fem[dot]nz

CW: Misgendering, Gender Dysphoria, Venting, Internalised Transphobia

I saw someone today. They've been very close to me and have been a lot like a parent. It means a lot that they make space to see me. After meeting them and talking for a few hours, though, I just felt bad. Not because they weren't well-meaning, or because they didn't care (this is even because they care), but just because I hate that I have to justify my identity to everyone any time it comes up. They had to tell me that I'm more of a gentle man to them, more soft masculine than feminine, and that men can be anything - gentle and caring or careless. But that's precisely the problem! No matter what I do, or how I present myself it feels like I have to be a man. My phenotype is how I'm judged to be, but that's not what I want to be. I feel as though if I wear girl's clothes I'm a cross-dresser, not a girl, and if I shave all the hair you can see, I must be a cyclist. And I wouldn't feel limited about what I can do and be and feel like if nobody acted like it mattered so much. And my presentation doesn't (or at least shouldn't), except to me. But if I come out to everyone as transgender, maybe I was wrong and I actually haven't fully explored the possibilities of presenting my gender within the spectrum of 'masculine'. And maybe I haven't. But that's not what I want right now, and it isn't everyone's place to put me in that box. I might be wrong about being transgender and being a woman, in so far as it might not fit right on me, but that's not the point. Even if I'm wrong, I should be able to express myself and be 'feminine' (whatever that means to me) without everyone second-guessing me and trying to convince me I'm wrong about what I want.

It took a lot of effort to recognise that wanting to be magically turned into a girl for years means I should probably explore that. It took a lot of effort to come out to everyone so far (I'm not out at work yet), and I think it's gone really well. It takes a lot of effort to keep telling people that I want this. It'd be so much easier not to. I can stop at any time, and would it really matter if I wasn't changing my gender expression? What if it was how I wanted the whole time anyway?

I often wish it was. Please stop reminding me it wasn't.

I'm planning to go on HRT later this year. I'm hoping it'll make me feel less disgusting about trying to present my gender in a more feminine manner, especially if it makes me look less like a man. Phenotypes aren't all they're cracked up to be. And I want to get laser hair removal - my beard is a menace. I wonder if I'd feel like I need to change myself so much if society let people express themselves in ways that aren't traditionally congruent with the boxes we put them in. Probably not. And I only hate that I'm transgender because everyone has been trying so hard to convince me I'm not. Like it's horrible for me to even suggest that I want to present in a certain way. I think the LGBTQIA+ community is amazing. Not just because of the its principles of diversity and inclusivity or its existence in the first place, but because people have been able to build spaces for themselves and like-minded others in a world which is, really, quite hostile. And I know that hasn't been the case everywhere on Earth for all of time, but there are people who feel good about themselves and their identities and the way they express themselves, built from internal approval - people must've started out alone with only their personal experiences. I think I can be okay with myself, but I don't think I could blaze that trail - I'm only considering the possibility because I know that there are people that are like me who are happy with that. I don't think I am, but I wish I was. And I think I can be in the future.

I don't know. This article probably isn't so helpful - I didn't really start writing it with anything in mind or something in particular to say. I just felt bad, so I'm writing about how I feel. I think I feel a little better now. To anyone reading this, I support you. I'm sure there are lots of other people who feel the same way too. And I know I have no idea who you are or what you're like, but you should feel good about that. And if you don't, maybe you can in the future?

I hate when there's a zing back up at the end like everything always has to have a good ending. Lots of my old poetry is like that. I don't really feel like this is ready to be read, but I have a duty to make it public. Here we go. I hope you're having a good day.